Windows 95 Will Have the Coolest Users Ever

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the “Cool User Program for Windows 95.” To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.

“We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,” explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include “the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.”

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. “We have chosen the state of Utah,” stated Microsoft,”because nobody lives there, anyway.” Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft’s “Cool User” program. “Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months,” said a source who asked not to be identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft’s plan as a “bold, innovative” move. In columnist Michael S. Brown’s opinion column “M.S. Brown Knows” which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,”IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.” Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if “Windows NT didn’t completely replace DOS in six months” he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that “I didn’t say which six months.”

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.

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