Nadelstiche für Gates und Andreessen

Bill Gates und Marc Andreessen von Netscape sind gestorben. Petrus kündigt an, dass sie für jeden Bug in ihrer Software einen Nadelstich als Sühne erhalten werden.

Petrus läßt Marc Andreessen vortreten: “Im Navigator 1.0 gab es einen groben Sicherheitsbug.”

Piek.

“Im Navigator 1.1 ließ sich der Cache nicht leeren.”

Piek.

Marc Andreessen reibt sich den Hintern und schaut sich um:”Wo ist denn Bill?”

Petrus: “Den klemmen wir schon mal unter die Nähmaschine.”

Autounfall

Bill Gates stirbt bei einem Autounfall und steht vor Petrus.

Petrus:”So schnell hab ich mit Dir ja eigentlich nicht gerechnet. Was mach´ ich denn jetzt nur mit Dir? Einerseits hast Du die Verbreitung von Computern in allen Teilen der Welt unterstützt und damit Gutes getan. Andererseits hast Du Windows 95 entwickelt und dafür gehörst Du in die Hölle. Weißt Du was? Ich lasse Dich selbst entscheiden! Du schaust Dir Himmel und Hölle an, und dann sagst Du mir, wo Du hin willst. Was willst Du zuerst sehen?”

Bill:”Ach, zeig mir zuerst die Hölle!”

*** schwups… Bill landet in der Hölle. Ein traumhafter Sandstrand und unzählige Traumgirls, die ihn sofort verwöhnen, tolle Drinks und Sonne ohne Ende… ***

Eine Woche später kommt Petrus wieder und bringt Bill nun in den Himmel. Dort sitzen ein paar Engel gelangweilt auf einer Wolke und spielen Harfe. Bill langweilt sich eine Woche lang, bis Petrus zurückkommt.

Petrus:”So Bill, ich hoffe, Du hast Dir ein Bild machen können und kannst Dich nun entscheiden: Himmel oder Hölle?”

Bill:”Keine Frage, Petrus, ich will in die Hölle. Was besseres gibt´s ja nicht!”

*** schwups… Bill ist in der Hölle ***

Nach einer Woche schaut Petrus noch einmal nach Bill.

Bill Gates hängt an eine Wand gekettet, unter ihm ein Feuer, dass ihn langsam röstst. Um ihn herum sind unzählige Monster, die ihn attackieren. Er schreit wie ein Irrer zu Petrus hinüber:”Verdammt, was soll das? Wo sind der Strand, die Mädchen und die Drinks?”

Gott ist Bill Gates

Willy stirbt und kommt in den Himmel. Petrus führt ihn herum um ihm die Örtlichkeiten zu zeigen. Plötzlich kommen sie an die mit Abstand grösste Wolke, eine wahre Luxus-Villen-Wolke. Über der Tür ein Schild mit der Aufschrift “B.G.”. Willy sagt zu Petrus: “Was, Bill Gates ist gestorben, er war doch noch viel zu jung…”

Petrus antwortet: “Nein, nein, das ist nicht Bill Gates, das ist der liebe Gott, der bildet sich nur manchmal ein, Bill Gates zu sein!

Die Hölle

Der IBM-Chef Gerstner ist gestorben und kommt in den Himmel. Er möchte aber vorher einen Blick in die Hölle werfen. In einer Ecke steht ein Schreibtisch, auf dem Schreibtisch ein PC. Vor dem PC sitzt Bill Gates und hämmert auf die Tastatur ein. Eine Blondine im Mini serviert Hamburger und Cola.

Gerstner macht große Augen: “Das soll die Hölle sein?!”

“Ja, sicher”, sagt der Teufel, “Gates muss Microsoft Office für OS/2 programmieren.”

Quick-Basic

Bill Gates ist gestorben. Gott empfängt ihn zu einer Privataudienz. Am meisten bewegt Bill die Frage, wie Gott die Welt erschaffen habe. Gott holt ein Notebook hervor und lädt ein Quick-Basic-Programm. “Hier, mit diesem Programm habe ich die Welt geschaffen.”

Bill Gates scrollt ein wenig herum und ruft dann triumphierend aus: “Das Listing ist ja voller Fehler!”

Gott: “Meinst Du, ich weiß das nicht selbst?”

Las Vegas ist zerstört

Ein Raumschiff vernichtet Las Vegas während der Comdex. Bill Gates, ein Borland- und ein OS/2-Programmierer müssen bei Petrus vorsprechen. Petrus hätte gern eine neue Registratur: “Es darf ruhig etwas kosten.”

Der OS/2 Programmierer: “Ich mach´s für 500 Mark – 100 Mark für´s Programmieren und 400 Mark für eine RAM-Erweiterung.”

Der Borland-Mitarbeiter: “Ich erledige das in einer Stunde für 50 Mark.”

“Bei mir kostet das garnichts”, dröhnt Bill Gates.

“Wieso das?”

“Ich berechne 50 Mark für die Windows NT Lizenz, 50 Mark für den Borland Programmierer. Aber ich zahl’ 100 Mark, wenn du den OS/2 Typen zur Hölle fahren lässt.”

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Englisch

The job assignment

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

“Hello,” said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. “My name is Gabriel and I’ll be your induction coordinator.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. “No, I’m not the Archangel Gabriel. I’m just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it’s first name first.”

“Gates, Bill.” Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill’s Record of Earthly Works. “What’s going on here?” asked Bill. “Why are all these people here? Where’s Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?”

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill’s records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. “It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to ‘go forth and multiply,’ he didn’t say ‘like rabbits!’ With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?”

“I guess not.”

“You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions.” Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. “Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you’ll be getting a plum job assignment.”

“Job assignment?”

“Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!” Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. ” Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. ” No, he’s not that Abraham.”

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

“Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure,” explained Abraham. ” As you’ve seen, we’re still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries.”

“I had to wait three weeks,” said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he’d made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it’s best not to contradict a bureaucrat. “Well,” Bill offered, ” maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up.”

Abraham’s look of anger faded to mere annoyance. “Your job will be to supervise Heaven’s new data processing center. We’re building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works.”

Bill could barely contain his excitement. “Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!”

“We’re just finishing construction, and we’ll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?”Jaegers.Net

“You bet!”

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven’s new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million…

… Macintoshes…

… all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. “What about PCs???” he exclaimed. “What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???”

“You’re forgetting something,” said Abraham.

“What’s that?” asked Bill plaintively.

“This is Heaven,” explained Abraham. ” We need a computer system that’s heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then…

…. GO TO HELL!”

The demo

Bill Gates died. He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told him he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

“Sure,” he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “Heaven is great!”

“Wrong,” said the angel. “That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?”

“Sure!” So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

“This is Heaven?” asked the Windows programmer.

“Yup,” said the angel.

“Then I’ll take Hell.” Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him.

“Where’s the beach? The music? The volleyball?” he screamed frantically to the angel.