Programmierer auf dem WC

Drei männliche Programmierer stehen im Bad vor den Urinalen. Der erste ist fertig, läuft zum Waschbecken, um sich die Hände zu waschen. Dann trocknet er sich die Hände und ist dabei äußerst gründlich und benutzt eine Papierrolle nach der anderen dabei. Streng darauf bedacht, nicht das geringste Wassertröpfchen auszulassen. Als er fertig ist sagt er zu den anderen beiden: “Bei MICROSOFT achten wir darauf extrem gründlich zu sein.”

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A Guide to Man/Machine Interface

USER-FRIENDLY C: DUR Command not found. Try retyping USER-HELPFUL C: DUR I don’t understand DUR. Do you mean DIR? USER-UNFRIENDLY C: DUR C: DUR C: DUR C: DUR USER-HOSTILE C: DUR Ha! A mistake! I’m sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that’s what I’ll do. USER-INDIFFERENT C: DUR DUR? USER-PATRONIZING C: DUR Now, that’s not quite right is it? Let’s try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me. USER-OBSEQUIOUS C: DUR I’m so very, very sorry but I don’t understand that. I’m sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I’ll do my best. USER-SARCASTIC C: DUR Well, Look who’s made a mistake then. Very unusual, […]

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Bedeutender Schriftsteller

Es war einmal ein junger Mann, der in seiner Jugend den Wunsch äußerte einer der größten Autoren der Welt zu werden. Gefragt, was er denn unter “groß” verstünde, sagte er:”Ich möchte Texte schreiben, die die ganze Welt liest, Material, dass die Menschen auf einer emotionalen Ebene berührt, sie schreien, weinen und heulen lässt in Schmerz und Furcht!” Heutzutage arbeitet er für Microsoft und schreibt Fehlermeldungen. Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become one of the world’s great writers. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will […]

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Windows 98 Source Code

/* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Spring 1996 */ #include “stdio.h” #include “dos.h” #include “conio.h” #include “win31.h” #include “evenmore.h” #include “oldstuff.h” #include “billrulz.h” /* Reference: Internal memo #99281-95 from: William H. Gates III to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project William H. Gates III wrote: “I have serious doubts about the ‘EASY’ installation-definition. It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be ‘HARD’. Carry on, Bill ” */ #define INSTALL = HARD void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if(first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if(still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } /* Reference: Internal memo #99683-95 from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project […]

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Windows 95 Upgrade Source Code

#include <windows.h> #include <system_errors.h> #include <stdlib.h> char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf(“Welcome to Windoze 3.999 “); printf(“(we might get it right or just call it Chicargo)\n”); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); }

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Star Trek: What if Data were Microsoft compatible?

WORF “Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.” PICARD “On screen.” The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide. PICARD “Data, what’s wrong here?” DATA “Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?”

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Star Trek: The MS Federation

Ever wonder what “Star Trek: The Next Generation” would be like in a future where Microsoft continued to dominate the software market? These are some scenarios that I came up with. If anyone has any additional suggestions, please email them to me. As the bridge crew look up at the viewscreen, they are shocked to discover that their ship is surrounded by flying toasters and toilet bowls. The crew breates a sigh of relief when Lt Data discovers that the viewscreen screensaver has activated itself. OR Captain Picard enters the bridge and says, “I don’t recall giving an order to enter warp.” Lt Data responds, “Captain, the ship has not entered warp, the ‘Flying Through Space’ screensaver has simply activated […]

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