Micosoft Buys America

REDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 21, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. “It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”. Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and […]

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Microsoft Joe-Bob™

REDMOND, Wa. — April 10, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob™, a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto “The software for the rest of y’all™,” Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. “Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,” explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, “but we’ve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology — the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!” Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. “Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get […]

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Windows 95 Will Have the Coolest Users Ever

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the “Cool User Program for Windows 95.” To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date. “We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,” explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include […]

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Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington — January 4, 1995 — In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob™, its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named “Bob” immediately select new first names. “I don’t know where these rumors come from,” commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. “It’s ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won’t, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them.” Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new […]

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