Windows 95 Upgrade Source Code

#include <windows.h> #include <system_errors.h> #include <stdlib.h> char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf(“Welcome to Windoze 3.999 “); printf(“(we might get it right or just call it Chicargo)\n”); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); }

The Last Holdout on Windows 95

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn’t … weiterlesen…

If Microsoft was Headquartered in South Georgia

Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders Instead of an hourglass icon, you’d get an empty beer bottle Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-ight” or “Naw” Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos The “Recycle Bin” in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d … weiterlesen…

Zufall? Zahlenmystik mit Bill Gates

Der wahre Name von “dem” Bill Gates ist William Henry Gates III. Heutzutage ist er gut bekannt als Bill Gates (III) Durch Umwandlung der Buchstaben seines aktuellen Namens in die ASCII-Werte und durch Hinzufügen seiner (III) erhält man das folgende Ergebnis: B 66 I +73 L +76 L +76 G +71 A +65 T +84 E +69 S +83 I + 1 I + 1 I + 1 = 666 !!! Der ein oder andere wird sich fragen, “Wie konnte Bill Gates … weiterlesen…

Anti UNIX from MS-Windows Lusers

If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question. Unix is the only virus with a command-interface. How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)? Unix – the first computer virus. NFS = Nightmare File System. Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don’t think that is a coincidence. Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is! Friends don’t let … weiterlesen…

Bill Gates Quotes

“I don’t have any evidence of that… Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There’s alot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.” — Bill Gates, when asked about religion and God’s existence in “Time” magazine “Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox’s store before I did and took the TV doesn’t mean I can’t go in later and steal the stereo.” — Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89–as quoted in MacWEEK, 1/9/90 p. 23 … weiterlesen…

How did the chicken cross the road

NT Chicken Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM) It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a … weiterlesen…

Undocumented Windows 95 errors

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation. WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in danger WinErr 002: No Error – Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass … weiterlesen…