condom (1) manual page

CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer’s Manual CONDOM(1) NAME condom – Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes SYNOPSIS condom [options] [processid] DESCRIPTION condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, condom is the only highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions… AIDS Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) Syphilis Crabs Genital warts Gonhorrea Chlamydia Michelangelo Jerusalem When used alone […]

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sex (6) manual page

SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer’s Manual SEX(6) NAME sex – have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] … [ username ] … DESCRIPTION sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B<animal> bestiality with <animal> -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d<file> get a date with the features described in <file> -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) […]

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UNIX: who(1)’s on what(1)?

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program. Customer: Stop this. Who are you? UNIX consul: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about yoo’. Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? UNIX consul: Use ‘what’. Customer: That’s what I am trying to find out. Isn’t that true? UNIX consul: No. ‘true’ gives you 0. Customer: Which one? UNIX consul: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’ Customer: Let’s get back […]

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bosskill (8) manual page

BOSSKILL(8) MAINTENANCE COMMANDS BOSSKILL(8) NAME bosskill – send a signal to your boss, or terminate your boss SYNOPSIS bosskill [ -signal ] bossname DESCRIPTION bosskill sends the TERM (terminate, 15) signal to the boss with the specified bossname. If a signal name or number preceded by `-‘ is given as the first argument, that signal is sent instead of terminate. The killed boss must be in the system administrator’s supervisory chain. The following is a list of all signals with names as in the include file <signal.h>: SIGHUP 1 hangup. Forces bossname to re-read his/her job description and figure out that he/she knows squat about sysadmin work or life, in general. SIGINT 2 interrupt. Prevents the bossname from interrupting the sysadmin for one hour. SIGQUIT 3 quit. Causes […]

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Some Funny Questions and Answers

Q: Why don’t the British build computers? A: Because they can’t figure out how to make them leak oil!   Q. What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage? A. A core dump   Q. Have you heard about the new Cray? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.   Q. What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? A. Access time.   Q. Why is “256 Ways To Make Love” the most quoted book on the Internet? A. It is the Fucking Manual   Q. What do Unix sysadmins do when they’re horny? A. Mount a filesystem.

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Alice in UNIX-Land

Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect that everything was not as it should be. “Program too big to fit in memory,” it read. “Curiouser and curiouser,” she said, “All I did was load fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could use more than 640K.” At that moment, a small white consultant (a very white consultant) ran across the room. “Oh my coat and necktie,” he said, “I’m going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour, too.” Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared behind her operating system.

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ctluser (8) manual page

CTLUSER(8) MAINTENANCE COMMANDS CTLUSER(8) NAME ctluser – control lusers SYNOPSIS ctluser [ -h ] [ -m ] command [ argument… ] DESCRIPTION ctluser sends a message to the control channel of a given luser(8) This command can only be run by the sysadmin(1) In the normal mode of behavior, the message is sent to the luser’s brain, which then performs the requested action and sends back a reply with a text message and the exit code for ctluser. If the luser’s brain successfully performed the command, ctluser will exit with a status of zero and print the reply on standard output. The “-m” flag is used to display an MPEG of the results of the given command on the console of the sysadmin(1). Note that this requires the sysadmin(1) […]

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UNIX Witze

UNIX ist das Betriebssystem der Zukunft. – Und das schon seit 30 Jahren. Wissenschaftler wollten wissen, ob Computerstrahlung schädlich ist. Sie sperrten drei Ratten mit einem angeschalteten Computer in einen Käfig, gaben Futter und Wasser zu und ließen das Ganze für eine Woche so stehen. “Und, sind die Ratten krank geworden?” “Nein, aber sie haben drei neue UNIX-Versionen programmiert!”

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