How did the chicken cross the road

NT Chicken Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM) It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken First it builds the road … C Chicken It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side. […]

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Software Engineering – oder: Der Bau eines Einfamilienhauses

Das Projekt ist der Bau eines Einfamilienhauses mit zwei Stockwerken und Keller mit einer Grundfläche von 100 Quadratmetern. Als Baumaterial werden Ziegelsteine verwendet. Der Architekt kalkuliert wie folgt: Das letzte Bauvorhaben (eine Doppelgarage) hatte eine Grundfläche von 25 Quadratmetern. Verbraucht wurden 1.000 Ziegel. Die Baukosten betrugen 10.000 Mark, was einen Preis von zehn Mark pro Ziegel bedeutet. Das neue Haus hat die vierfache Grundfläche und die doppelte Höhe – dies bedeutet 8.000 Ziegel oder 80.000 Mark Baukosten. Das Angebot von 80.000 Mark erhält den Zuschlag, und der Bau beginnt. Da die Maurerkolonne ausgelastet sein will, wird beschlossen, immer nur ein Zimmer zu konstruieren und gleich anschließend zu bauen. Das hat den Vorteil, dass die Planungs- und die Ausführungsgruppe immer ausgelastet […]

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Software Testing

During a particularly long and painful about of REGRESSION TESTING our application software, my buddies and I came up with this list of other types of testing we’d like not to see: AGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna kill somebody. COMPRSSION TESTING: [] CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, Okay, I did program that bug. CONGRSSIONAL TESTING: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug? DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna kill myself. EGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug… I’m outta here. DIGRESSION TESTING: Well, it works, but can I tell you about my truck… EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!!!, a bug. OBSESSION TESTING: I’ll find this bug if it’s the last thing I do. OPRESSION TESTING: Test this now! […]

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Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers

Drug dealers Software developers Refer to their clients as “users” Refer to their clients as “users” “The first one’s free!“ “Download a free trial version…“ Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff) Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code) Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E” Strage jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN” Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and […]

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The Ten Comandments for C Programmers

Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where […]

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Declaration of a Software Professional

/* Declaration of a Software Professional */ class CSoftwareProfessional { private: double salary; long lunches; float jobs; char unstable; void * work; private: complex UpdateSkills(); long DownloadPictures(); long PlayNetworkGames(CSoftwareProfessional&OtherProfessional); public: short PaintTheManagers(); virtual void WorkDuringDay() = 0; long SendMails(); long ReceiveMails(); long Send(CPictures&Pictures); long Send(CJokes&Jokes); };

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C+- (pronounced “C More or Less”)

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or undeclared preferences, which are impervious preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown: > better than < worse than > much better than << forget it ! not on your life == comparable, other things being equal

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Software Metrics

The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software project: The Pizza Metric How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab. What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation. If people are spending enough after-hours time working on the project that they need to have meals delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere. The Aspirin Metric How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use by the team. At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the bottle. What: Measures stress suffered by […]

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