Christkind, Weihnachtsmann und Niklaus

Denkt Euch, ich habe das Christkind gesehen, ich hab’s überfahren, es war ein Versehen! Ich hatte gerade die Äuglein zu, ich träumte beim Fahren in himmlischer Ruh‘. Das Christkindl hat in dieser heiligen Nacht Bekanntschaft mit meinem Kühler gemacht. Später sah ich auch noch den Weihnachtsmann, er feuerte gerad‘ seine Rentiere an. Ich überholte den langsamen Wicht, doch sah ich den Gegenverkehr dabei nicht. Ich wich noch aus, doch leider nicht Santa, ein kurzes Rummsen und er klebte am Manta. Am Ende sah ich auch Nikolaus, er stürmte gerad‘ aus dem Freudenhaus. Er kam ganz hektisch über die Kreuzung gelaufen, wollt‘ am Automaten neue Präser sich kaufen. Mein Auto und mich hat er wohl nicht gesehen, jedenfalls blieben nur seine […]

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Letters to Santa

The Santa FAQ Santa has a tough job. Parents thrust into his lap conveyor beltloads of ponderous, squirming children who tear at his beard and aggravate his hernia. Trucks of mail arrive in front of his shop, delivering letters written in unintelligible crayon and with postage due. Soot-caked chimneys with stuck flues increase the chances of lung cancer with each passing year. But Santa is such a jolly old elf, with a belly like a bowl of Jell-o, that we figured he’s had enough time to accustom himself to the burden, perhaps even find a kind of joy in carrying a load that would drive any lesser man postal. Imagine our surprise, then, when we discovered this actual correspondence from […]

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In the Matter of Bush v. Kringle

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 12) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh. The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks Federal Judge T. Grinch to „hereby order Mr. Clause to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.“ „There are no standards for deciding who […]

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Lawyers‘ Seasonal Greeting

From us („the wishor“) to you („hereinafter called the wishee“) Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally- conscious, socially-responsible, politically-correct, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a financially-successful, personally-fulfilling, and medically- uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, […]

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Santa is a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench […]

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The Company Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1st I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement […]

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Jesus and the Elves

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, „I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.“ „There’s a problem with the angel,“ said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even […]

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Rightsizing The North Pole, Inc.

Seasons Greetings, The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control] The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The […]

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