Behauptung:

• Jedes Programm lässt sich um mindestens eine Anweisung kürzen.
• Jedes Programm hat mindestens einen Fehler.

Durch Induktion können wir schließen:

• Jedes Programm ist reduzierbar auf eine Anweisung, die nicht funktioniert…

Auf einer Wetterstation musste die tägliche Niederschlagshöhe von Hand in den Computer eingegeben werden. Irgendwann einmal vertippte sich dabei einer, statt 8,54 cm gab er 8,54 m ein. Die Programmierer hatten aber wohl für diesen Fall vorgesorgt, denn der Computer gab folgende Fehlermeldung aus: “Baue ein Boot! Nimm von jeder Tierart zwei, ein männliches und ein weibliches…”

Auf dem Weg zur Arbeit springt einem Programmierer ein Frosch entgegen: “Ich bin eine verzauberte Prinzessin, küss mich.”

Der Frosch wird in die Jackentasche gesteckt.

In der Mittagspause quakt es wieder: “Bitte, bitte, küss mich, ich bin eine verzauberte Prinzessin.”

Keine Reaktion.

Als er abends in der Kneipe den Frosch vorführt, wird der Programmierer gefragt, warum er den bettelnden Frosch nicht erhört.

Antwort: “Für eine Freundin habe ich keine Zeit, aber einen sprechenden Frosch finde ich cool.”

Drei Programmierer stehen in der Toilette am Pissoir. Der erste ist fertig und geht zum Waschbecken um seine Hände zu waschen. Dann beginnt er sie sehr sorgfältig zu trocknen. Er braucht Papier um Papier um jeden Tropfen auf seinen Händen abzutrocknen. Zu den anderen beiden gewandt sagt er: “Bei Microsoft werden wir zu sehr genauer Arbeit geschult.”

Der zweite Programmierer beendet auch sein Geschäft und wendet sich dem Waschbecken zu. Er benutzt ein einziges Stück Papier und vergewissert sich, dass er jede mögliche Ecke des Papiers ausnutzt. Er dreht sich um und meint: “Bei Intel werden wir nicht nur zu extremer Genauigkeit sondern auch zu Effizienz trainiert.”

Der dritte Programmierer ist auch fertig, geht direkt zu Tür und ruft über die Schulter: “Bei Sun pissen wir eben nicht über unsere Hände.”

Programmers Jokes

Q: What’s the name of the new OO COBOL — an equivalent of C++?

A: ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL

A surgeon, a civil engineer and a software engineer were chatting at a bar. The discussion rolled around to whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon said that his was, since in the book of Genesis, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, and surly that involved surgery. The civil engineer countered by saying that before God created man, he created the heavens and the Earth from chaos, surly a feat of civil engineering. The software engineer just smiled and said “Where do you think the chaos came from?”

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

Q. What happens to programmers when they die?

A: They get deallocated? Their values become undefined? They get re-intialized? Their structues break down? They become WORM food … They start dropping bits … They branch to a new address! Their social system resources are released? They dump core? [a coredump is the result of an abort()ion]

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.

He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!” This catches the Engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks

“Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.