‘Twas The Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch. Wrappings and toys littered the floor, An incredible mess that I did abhor. With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans, We waded in to get the place clean. When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter, I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter. The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot, Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot. But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant: An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants. The door flew open and in they came, Stern-looking men with bills in my name. On Discover, on Visa, on American Express, […]

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‘Twas The Night Before Christmas – Technical Version

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous […]

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Web Industry Terminology

Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.” Link Rot The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change location or die. Chip Jewelry A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. “I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.” Crapplet A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!” Plug-and-Play A new hire who doesn’t need any training. “The new […]

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C Song (Bohemian Rhapsody)

Gesungen zur Musik : Is this the real world? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a LAN-slide No ESC to reality. open(2) your files, Look after your while()s in C; Its just a cheap toy, but dearer than Symphony(tm) With it’s wheezy cough, noisy beep Address clash, little sleep Anything but Windows(tm), Nothing beats class lib’ries to me, To me. Mama, Just killed a RAM Got some static on its pins, Now I don’t see the dust bin, Mama, ‘Write’ had just been run, But now I’ve got to throw it all away Mama, ooooooh, Didn’t mean to make it fry If I’ve no stack to overflow tomorrow, Carry one, carry one, ‘Cause there’s nothing like class lib’ries. Too late, […]

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Write in C (Let it be)

Gesungen zu : When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: “Write in C.” As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers “Write in C.” Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C. LISP is dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly, Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C. Only wimps use […]

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The Computer Expert’s Glossary

ADA Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, “We had better develop an ADA awareness.” Bug An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. Cache A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. Design What you regret not doing later on. Documentation Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. Economies of scale The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount […]

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Proper Care of Floppie Disks

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week: Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives. Never insert a disk into […]

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