Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)

Lesezeit etwa 1 Minuten

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version
>> >
void main()
>> >
{
 if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
 {
   if (there_are_still_bugs)
     market(bugfix);
   if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
     raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
 }
 while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
 {
   make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, 
                                                   in lie.h */
   if (rumours_grow_wilder)
     make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
>> >
   if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
   {
     market_time=ripe;
     say("It will be ready in one month);
     order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
     order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
     order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
     vapourware=TRUE;
     break;
   }
 }
 switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
 {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days,
            " we're just testing");
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
          " the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
           everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      when(time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
      }
      break;
 }
 while (vapourware)
 {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
 }
 release(beta_version)
 while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
 {
   bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
   release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
   introduce(more_memory_requirements);
   if (customers_report_installation_problems)
   {
     say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
     if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
     {
       ignore(customer);
       order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                             bastard");
     }
   }
   if (there_is_another_company)
   {
     steal(their_ideas);
     accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
     hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
     wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
     buy_out(other_company);
   }
 }
 /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
 order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
 buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
 laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
>> >
void bugfix(void)
{
 charge (a_lot_of_money);
 if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
   say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
 if (still_complaints)
 {
   ignore(customer);
   register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
   /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
 }
}

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