Humor

Microsoft Corporation becomes Church of Microsoft

Newswire: June 8, 2000 In a surprise move, Microsoft Corporation announced that it has applied for a change in status from commercial entity to a religious organization. Financial analyst at Pain-Webber Associates applauded the move, “When their quarterly SEC 10-Qs said that a possible restructuring of business functions was possible, nobody guessed this.” He added “Leave it to Microsoft to innovate corporate structures.” NASDAQ officials were in full support of the filing: “We are, and frankly have been for sometime, ready to … weiterlesen…

Microsoft to buy God

REDMOND, Wash. – May 28, 1999 — Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named “Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1999, before the millennium. “Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only … weiterlesen…

Micosoft Buys America

REDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 21, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. “It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”. Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President … weiterlesen…

Microsoft Joe-Bob™

REDMOND, Wa. — April 10, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob™, a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto “The software for the rest of y’all™,” Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. “Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,” explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, “but we’ve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch … weiterlesen…

Windows 95 Will Have the Coolest Users Ever

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the “Cool User Program for Windows 95.” To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date. “We expect that the … weiterlesen…

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington — January 4, 1995 — In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob™, its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named “Bob” immediately select new first names. “I don’t know where these rumors come from,” commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. “It’s ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. … weiterlesen…