Star Trek: What if Data were Microsoft compatible?

WORF “Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.”

PICARD “On screen.”

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.

PICARD “Data, what’s wrong here?”

DATA “Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?”

weiterlesen…Star Trek: What if Data were Microsoft compatible?

Star Trek: The MS Federation

Ever wonder what “Star Trek: The Next Generation” would be like in a future where Microsoft continued to dominate the software market? These are some scenarios that I came up with. If anyone has any additional suggestions, please email them to me. As the bridge crew look up at the viewscreen, they are shocked to discover that their ship is surrounded by flying toasters and toilet bowls. The crew breates a sigh of relief when Lt Data discovers that the viewscreen screensaver … weiterlesen…

Top 10 abgelehnte kostenlose Microsoft Hotlines

#10 +49-800-927-0470 (+49-800-WAS-IS) #9 +49-800-434-0934 (+49-800-GEH-WEG) #8 +49-800-380-3663 (+49-800-DU-DOOF) #7 +49-800-382-4783 (+49-800-DU-BIST-DUMM) #6 +49-800-424-2468 (+49-800-ICH-BIN-TAUB) #5 +49-800-385-6737 (+49-800-DU-LOSER) #4 +49-800-722-5477 (+49-800-SACKGASSE) #3 +49-800-677-7846 (+49-800-MS-STINKT) #2 +49-800-434-9874 (+49-800-GEH-ZUR-HOELLE) Und die Nummer 1 der abgelehnten, kostenlosen Hotline-Nummer des Microsoft technischen Supports lautet… +49-800-936-4683 (+49-800-WEN-INTERESSIERTS) Top 10 rejected toll-free MS technical support number #10 1-888-942-8787 (1-888-WHATS-UP) #9 1-800-840-2929 (1-800-UGO-AWAY) #8 1-800-878-8743 (1-800-U-STUPID) #7 1-800-426-3323 (1-800-UR-SO-STUPID) #6 1-800-426-3323 (1-800-IAM-DEAF) #5 1-888-875-6737 (1-888-UR-LOSER) #4 1-888-332-3363 (1-888-DEAD-END) #3 1-888-677-8257 (1-888-MS-SUCKS) #2 1-800-462-4355 (1-800-GO2-HELL) And the number 1 rejected … weiterlesen…

The Last Holdout on Windows 95

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn’t … weiterlesen…

The 12 steps for getting away from Win95 and other MS products

We admitted we were powerless over Microsoft – that our computers had become unmanageable. Came to believe that an Operating System greater than Microsoft’s could restore our computers to sanity. Made a decision to turn our computers over to the care of this new Operating System. Made a searching system inventory of our computers. Admitted to the computer, to ourselves and to another person the exact nature of our bad OS. Were entirely ready to have the superior OS remove all defects … weiterlesen…

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)

#include <nonsense.h> #include <lies.h> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version >> > void main() >> > { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); >> > if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say(“It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE; … weiterlesen…

If Microsoft was Headquartered in South Georgia

Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders Instead of an hourglass icon, you’d get an empty beer bottle Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-ight” or “Naw” Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos The “Recycle Bin” in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d … weiterlesen…

Idiot’s Guide to Windows 95 Ads

Understanding Microsoft Marketing Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting! Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP: Plug and Pray (that it works) Multimedia: Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software: It will also crash your … weiterlesen…