Microsoft Corporation becomes Church of Microsoft

Newswire: June 8, 2000 In a surprise move, Microsoft Corporation announced that it has applied for a change in status from commercial entity to a religious organization. Financial analyst at Pain-Webber Associates applauded the move, “When their quarterly SEC 10-Qs said that a possible restructuring of business functions was possible, nobody guessed this.” He added “Leave it to Microsoft to innovate corporate structures.” NASDAQ officials were in full support of the filing: “We are, and frankly have been for sometime, ready to address to needs of the emerging publicly traded religion sector.” Still other analysts were not so positive. An anonymous source at Merrill Lynch complained it would be too hard to find accurate metrics to judge the success of […]

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Microsoft to buy God

REDMOND, Wash. – May 28, 1999 — Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named “Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1999, before the millennium. “Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.” The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring worshiper accounts and prayer […]

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Micosoft Buys America

REDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 21, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. “It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”. Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and […]

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Sprachlos

Mir fehlen die Worte. Ich will ein paar Zeilen schreibe, doch ich finde keine Worte. Ich fühle, dass da etwas aus mir heraus will, ein Gefühl, etwas, das noch nicht Gedanke ist. Ich schreibe ein paar Buchstaben, dann streiche ich sie wieder. Es ist nicht das was ich sagen wollte. Sprachlos, das ist das Wort, das ich suche! Da steht es nun, ich schaue es an, es ist nicht das, was mein Gefühl sagen will. Ich streich es durch, es ist besser so, aber mir ist es so nicht besser. Mir fehlen immer noch die Worte… © Michael L. Jaegers 1997

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Herzen aus Wachs

Herzen aus Wachs günstig zu kaufen. Herzen aus Wachs glänzen im Lichtschein. Herzen aus Wachs schwimmen stets oben. Herzen aus Wachs scheinen oft traumhaft. Herzen aus Wachs schmelzen bei Wärme. Herzen aus Wachs brennen im Feuer. Doch Herzen aus Wachs brechen bei Kälte. Herzen aus Wachs leicht zu zerstören. © Michael L. Jaegers

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Microsoft Joe-Bob™

REDMOND, Wa. — April 10, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob™, a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto “The software for the rest of y’all™,” Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. “Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,” explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, “but we’ve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology — the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!” Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. “Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get […]

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Windows 95 Will Have the Coolest Users Ever

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the “Cool User Program for Windows 95.” To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date. “We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,” explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include […]

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